The Bill O'Reilly Effect

Have you ever had the feeling that watching Bill O’Reilly was making you dumber?
Turns out you may not be wrong.
An anonymous source at a prestigious University Research Lab (URL) in Nevada has revealed to us here at NTOPIX that O’Reilly himself is either a reptilian or an alien of some kind whose voice has been genetically engineered to have a negative effect on the cognitive abilities of anyone who hears it. Research has concluded that the sheer amount of smug condescension in O’Reilly’s voice is simply not humanly possible and therefore must be extra-terrestrial in nature. The ability to spout such outrageous bullshit with a straight face is also far beyond the ability of a human being. Experiments are being conducted as to wether the technology at play here is the handiwork of Grey or Reptilian aliens, as mole people and CHUDs have been ruled out at this point.

The good news is our source also told us that although the effects are cumulative once you stop watching and listening your brain can usually manage to heal itself and your intellect can return to normal. There are of course some other things you can do to speed the process.

Things to avoid? In order of importance:

Glen Beck
Religion (all flavours)
Deep Fried Chocolate Bars
Quinoa (yeah like you didn’t know)
John Oliver

Things to DO? In no particular order:

Try peeing in the shower.

Drink energy drinks and watch Christopher Hitchens videos on YouTube.

Eat more broccoli.

Google “Michael Shermer Baloney Detection Kit Video” and watch it every day for a month.

There may be more things to avoid and more things that will help you but our research indicates that people don’t read articles longer than this one as result of things like The Bill O’Reilly Effect.

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